Quit With the Remakes Already!

So I’ve been keeping this on the back burner for a while, but after screwing around over at Monster Rebellion I found out that they are remaking Robocop.  Well, that’s it, I said, I’m going to do some digging to find out what other remakes are in the works for the near future.  What I’ve found out is startling, to say the least.   I think I had an aneurysm while I was researching this topic.  Know this.  Nothing is sacred to these Hollywood bastards.  Nothing.

Now, first I want to cover something that has bothered me for a long time, and that is American remakes of foreign films.  It just drives me crazy.  What really kills me is that sometimes American audiences aren’t even aware that the movie they just watched was a remake.  So here is a brief and incomplete list of popular Americanized remakes of foreign film.

• The Departed
• The Eye
  

  I'm not even going to say which one I think is better.

• The Vanishing
• The Birdcage
• Eye of the Beholder
• Intersection
• Jungle 2 Jungle
• The Man with One Red Shoe
• Original Sin
• Oscar
• The Point of No Return
• Three Men and a Baby
• The Running Man
• City of Angels
• M
• Wicker Park
• Unfaithful
• Scent of a Woman
• One Missed Call
• Insomnia
• Solaris
• Vanilla Sky
• Quarantine
• 12 Monkeys
• The Magnificent Seven
• Pulse
• Funny Games

Now that list is obviously far from comprehensive.  My objective here is to give you an idea of how many popular movies are actually remakes of foreign films.  Most of the time these Americanized versions are far inferior to the original, and are only made to bring an original story to American audiences without the nuisance of subtitles and foreign people getting in the way.  Now here is a short list of upcoming remakes of foreign films.  Warning:  if you are a fan of Asian cinema you are going to be pissed.

• Let the Right One In
• Suspiria
  

  You might as well just kill me now.

• The Orphanage
• The Host
• Infection
• Battle Royale
• Versus
• Death Note(Live Action)
• Akira(Live Action)
• Oldboy

Yep, there isn’t one movie on this list that didn’t have me pulling my hair out.  Also, almost all of them are only 5-10 years old, and some came out last year, so they are only being remade to appease American audiences.  The Oldboy remake, spearheaded by Steven Spielberg and Will Smith has apparently run into some legal trouble over the rights to remake the film in Hollywood.  Don’t expect that to stop them though.

So, I’m sure you all know when an American movie is remade and released and, if you are like me, you ask yourself why.  I think to myself all the time, why remake that?  It was fine the way it was.  Sometimes, when a movie holds a special place in my heart, the sentiment is substantially more colorful.  Well, I know there are some movies on this list of upcoming remakes that had me screaming at the top of my lungs and making my neighbors wish that I slept at night.  You’ve been warned.

• Red Dawn
  

  Michael Ironside didn't take it well when he heard about the Scanners remake.

• The Birds
• The Big Chill
• Weird Science
• Top Gun
• Poltergeist
• Valley Girl
• Red Sonja
• Rock and Roll High School
• Highlander
• Short Circuit
• Rosemary’s Baby
• A Nightmare on Elm St.
• Footloose
• Straw Dogs
• Scanners
  

  Go ahead. Try and remake Straw Dogs. I dare you.

• Sunset Boulevard
• Clash of the Titans
• Near Dark
• The Thing
• Little Shop of Horrors
• The Neverending Story
• Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Strangers on a Train
• They Live
• Angel Heart
• Don’t Look in the Basement
• Escape From New York
• Pet Semetary
• Total Recall

The list keeps going but I just can’t take anymore.  Some of these are just ridiculous.  Sunset Boulevard?  Straw Dogs?  Who seriously thinks they improve upon the originals on those two?  I’d like to meet them…in a dark, dark alley.  And all those 80′s movies?  My heart aches.  It’s like Hollywood just punched me in the throat, slept with my girlfriend, and bitch-slapped my mom all at once.  I sure do hate those Hollywood guys.

Thanks to Joe the Destroyer for his Big, Huge, Scary List of Upcoming Sequels, Remakes and Adapted Films.

VH.

The Coral Castle: Acoustic Levitation and The World Grid

The Coral Castle

In the early 20th century a man by the name of Edward Leedskalnin built what is known as the Coral Castle.  Constructed from megalithic stones, mostly coral, some weighing up to 30 tons, the castle resides in Homestead, Florida and was allegedly built by Leedskalnin alone.

He claimed to know the secret of the pyramids and that he used this secret to assemble the structure.  So what exactly is the secret of the pyramids?  Many people believe it is acoustic levitation coupled with grid energies that allow for such impossible feats to be accomplished.  I know,  it’s all so very New Age.  Hang with me though, because this is pretty interesting.

First lets explore the theory of harmonics and their implementation by Tibetan high priests to levitate heavy objects.  In 1939 Dr. Jarl, a Swedish doctor, travelled to a remote Tibetan monastery to treat a high Lama.  While there he was allowed to see things that other foreigners had never been privy to.  One of the things that he witnessed and reported on in detail was a method for moving immensely large boulders through the air using only sound.  In an arc of 90 degrees, at a distance of 63 meters from the stone, 19 musical instruments tuned precisely were placed on adjustable mounts.  When the instruments were played in conjunction with chanting from the remaining monks, over time and in ever increasing tempo, the large boulder took off in a parabolic flight path approximately 500 meters long and 250 meters high.

Diagram of high priests levitating a stone.

Now the theory of the World Grid is a bit harder to believe, even more New Age, and probably going to be extremely difficult for me to decipher and then convey to you in any way that makes sense.  The book Antigravity and the World Grid by David Hatcher Childress is probably the most comprehensive study on the topic.  I will attempt to summarize.  Basically the World Grid or Planetary Grid is a theory used by scientists and researchers who are seeking explanations for phenomena and events which traditional science rejects as impossible.  The idea is that the earth is covered by a complex, invisible grid of energies.  The concept is not a new one, and dates back to Plato and his work Timaeus.  Where the lines of this grid converge are considered to be places of great power and many of the megalithic and sacred structures of old were constructed on these vortexes.  These power places are purportedly areas where there are frequent occurrences of anomalies and phenomena that cannot be explained.   One such vortex is located in the Bermuda Triangle, within which lies Homestead, Florida and the Coral Castle.

The World Grid and Power Places

So did Edward Leedskalnin use harmonic levitation and the knowledge of Planetary Grid dynamics to build his Coral Castle?  We may never know for sure, but I like the idea of it.

9 ton gate to Coral Castle

Moon Fountain at Coral Castle

District 9

So I kept my promise to myself and went to see this movie on Thursday night and I walked out of the theater knowing this was the best movie I had seen all year.  I am not, however, going to review it here only because so many people already have, and I haven’t written enough reviews in my life to do this movie justice.  That being said, this move was fantastic on so many levels.  If you are even a little interested in science fiction you owe it to yourself to see this movie.  This film, though, is not your typical sci fi fare.  It has many intricacies and a strong overall theme that ties everything together without, in my opinion, being preachy.  One reviewer on IGN said to go into it with no expectations and an open mind and you won’t leave disappointed.  I couldn’t agree more.  If you haven’t seen it yet, you should do so at once.  Nuff said.

Ninja Assassin!

James McTeigue who directed V For Vendetta is directing a new move titled Ninja Assassin.  The Wachowski brothers have signed on to produce it.  The movie follows the story of a highly trained hitman, played by Korean singer and actor Rain, as he tries to protect a beautiful Euro-pol agent, played by Naomi Harris, from a rival assassin.  The trailer is out and can be seen here.

The action is highly stylized and there seems to be a lot of CG effects, which won’t come as a surprise seeing that James McTeigue is directing. Looks like it might be worth keeping an eye on this one.

VH.

The Plan

So the plan is to see District 9 tonight.  I’ve been anticipating this movie for months, but due to my unorthodox work schedule I have not been able to see it yet.  I’m sick of seeing trailers and reviews of this movie on every site I go to.  Hearing about how good this movie is and having not seen it is really driving me crazy.  Tonight is the night so help me god.  There is a showing at my local theater at 7:30 and, come hell or high water I will be in attendance.  That’s all.  Just wanted to get that out.

Gamescom Microsoft Conference Liveblog!

So it’s four in the morning here on the east coast of the US. I had every intention of staying up for the Microsoft press conference liveblog, but dammit I’ve got to sleep. Couldn’t even tell you what time that shit’s supposed to kick off. Damn! What the hell is the time difference between here and Germany? I don’t actually care. I guess I’ll just have to check it out when I wake up:(

All I know is the big news is that Peter Molyneux from Lionhead is involved and that he said he’s going to unveil a new game. Fable 3(sarcasm).

Oh wait it started! Episodic content for Fable 2. Or no wait, same game split into episodes to be downloaded? Wow Microsoft! I hope that’s not all you got.

Oh now it’s a big dramatic curtain toss for Fable 3! Big surprise there. Oh man Mr. Molyneux just claimed he was going to rip the foundation stone out of RPGs and throw it away! The audacity!

You will aparently become the ruler of Albion in the game. Huh. You can choose to be a good ruler or a bad one…shocking.

Starting out as the offspring of your Fable 2 save you will start a revolution to take the crown and become the new king or whatever. Could be kind of cool. Also sounds a lot like Dragon Age: Origins but whatever.

Some kind of weird Star Trek references being thrown around. Not sure what that’s about. Gotta admit though the screenshots look pretty good.

So while the screen shots are comming up I just want to say that I don’t hate the Fable franchise, but I don’t exactly love it either. So maybe I’m a little biased here, but I don’t think that this compares with Sony’s PS3 price drop and their unveiling of the PS3 slim. Who knows?

New gameplay mechanic called “judgements” where you investigate scenarios and pass judgement down on NPCs or so it sounds. Another new mechanic is called “touch”. Not sure but it sounds like you’ll be touching other characters in the game?! Okay. Something about cupping? WTF? I think this prove my freaking point Peter thank you. Apparently at the show he’s getting really excited about this. Hmmm…

I think he’s done. Well that was touching. Sorry, couldn’t resist. Welp that does it for me I’m off to bed. Till next time,

VH.

Finch Goes to Press Today!

Finch by Jeff Vandermeer is to be released on Halloween 2009.  I just recently read on Jeff’s blog that the book just went to press today.  This is the third and supposedly final book to be set in the fictional city of Ambergris.  Honestly, I’ve been anticipating this book for almost two years! Now it’s finally almost here and I have to say that I can hardly wait any longer.

The cover art was done by John Coulthart and it looks spectacular.  I think it really evokes that noir feel that the book is supposed to carry. I love the outline of the gun and the blood spatter!

The novel is a hardboiled detective story with a linear structure(quite a departure from the first two novels).  Finch reportedly takes place a century after the second book; Shriek: An Afterword.  It follows the exploits of John Finch as he tries to solve the mystery of a double murder.

If you haven’t read the first two books in this series; City of Saints and Madmen and Shriek: An Afterword, I highly recommend that you do.  If you are at all a fan of science fiction or horror or just plain wierdness you will love them both.  There are, without a doubt, scenes that are written in those books that you will never forget.

Looking forward to reading and reviewing this one!

VH.

PS3 Price Drop Bad News for Microsoft

The PS3 Slim is about to release on September 1st with a pricetag of $299.  The price drop is also being implemented on all current systems out there effective immediately.  This comes at a bad time for Microsoft’s Xbox 360, which a recent survey in Game Informer reported hardware failure rates of a whopping 54%.  Microsoft stands behind their product and its nessecarily impressive warranty. I have to say that I myself own a 360 and have been lucky enough not to experience the dreaded red ring of death, but at $299 I might have to pick myself up a new PS3 slim, if only for the Blueray.

The Expendables

Holy crap have you heard anything about this movie?!  It sounds absolutely absurd in the best possible way.  Written and directed by the “Italian Stallion” himself it stars…wait for it:  Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Terry Crews and Mickey Rourke.  With rumured appearances by Bruce Willis and  Arnold Schwarzenegger!  Jesus!  The plot involves a group of mercenaries(who could have guessed?) going to South America in order to overthrow an evil dictator.  Seriously folks, this may be the movie we have all been waiting for.  With a release date of April 2010 I guess we’ll have to hold our collective breath.  I’ll keep my eyes peeled for any new information and post accordingly.

VH.

Will the Real Lex Luthor Please Stand Up

Metropolis deserves a better class of criminal. The success of The Dark Knight and the absolutely amazing performance from the late Heath Ledger have proven that movie audiences want to be afraid of their villains. I’m here to say that I’ve had enough of Singer’s campy, family friendly, Kevin Spacey’s impersonation of Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor from twenty years ago. Now we all know that Singer and Spacey can work together to achieve impressive results, as we witnessed in The Usual Suspects. So why, I ask you, are we spoon fed this ridiculous, craptastic shtick when we should be getting pure unbridled awesomeness out of these two. I’ll say this: If you met Heath Ledger’s Joker in a dark alley you would piss yourself and beg for your life all while being videotaped for some twisted plot against the city’s established order. Now say you met Kevin Spacey’s Lex Luthor in a similar scenario. You’d kick him in the balls, steal his toupee and his girlfriend and then run away laughing maniacally at the fact that you just kicked the world’s greatest villain in the balls…lame.

Seriously folks, this guy is supposed to be the world’s smartest man for crying out loud! So explain to me why he surrounds himself with complete morons all the time. Lex Luthor should be a ruthless megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur and a single-minded loathing for the Man of Steel. He is supposed to believe that what he is doing is right and for the best interest of all humanity, i.e. eliminating the alien threat that is Superman. Therefore I question the terrible motive that drives the plot of Superman Returns, which has Lex Luthor trying to create a new continent so he can, get this, sell ocean-front property and make a bunch of money! What the hell?! The Joker’s motives in TDK were twisted and complex and yet at the same time simple and real. More importantly you really felt that he truly believed in what he was doing, no matter how crazy it seemed. He actually was a man with a plan!

In conclusion I will be brief. I only hope that with the sequel to Superman Returns Bryan Singer and Kevin Spacey can recreate the same magic that they have achieved in the past, and that they can portray a Lex Luthor that is not only believable but also terrifying. C’mon guys, give us something to fear.

VH.