Quit With the Remakes Already!

So I’ve been keeping this on the back burner for a while, but after screwing around over at Monster Rebellion I found out that they are remaking Robocop.  Well, that’s it, I said, I’m going to do some digging to find out what other remakes are in the works for the near future.  What I’ve found out is startling, to say the least.   I think I had an aneurysm while I was researching this topic.  Know this.  Nothing is sacred to these Hollywood bastards.  Nothing.

Now, first I want to cover something that has bothered me for a long time, and that is American remakes of foreign films.  It just drives me crazy.  What really kills me is that sometimes American audiences aren’t even aware that the movie they just watched was a remake.  So here is a brief and incomplete list of popular Americanized remakes of foreign film.

• The Departed
• The Eye
  

  I'm not even going to say which one I think is better.

• The Vanishing
• The Birdcage
• Eye of the Beholder
• Intersection
• Jungle 2 Jungle
• The Man with One Red Shoe
• Original Sin
• Oscar
• The Point of No Return
• Three Men and a Baby
• The Running Man
• City of Angels
• M
• Wicker Park
• Unfaithful
• Scent of a Woman
• One Missed Call
• Insomnia
• Solaris
• Vanilla Sky
• Quarantine
• 12 Monkeys
• The Magnificent Seven
• Pulse
• Funny Games

Now that list is obviously far from comprehensive.  My objective here is to give you an idea of how many popular movies are actually remakes of foreign films.  Most of the time these Americanized versions are far inferior to the original, and are only made to bring an original story to American audiences without the nuisance of subtitles and foreign people getting in the way.  Now here is a short list of upcoming remakes of foreign films.  Warning:  if you are a fan of Asian cinema you are going to be pissed.

• Let the Right One In
• Suspiria
  

  You might as well just kill me now.

• The Orphanage
• The Host
• Infection
• Battle Royale
• Versus
• Death Note(Live Action)
• Akira(Live Action)
• Oldboy

Yep, there isn’t one movie on this list that didn’t have me pulling my hair out.  Also, almost all of them are only 5-10 years old, and some came out last year, so they are only being remade to appease American audiences.  The Oldboy remake, spearheaded by Steven Spielberg and Will Smith has apparently run into some legal trouble over the rights to remake the film in Hollywood.  Don’t expect that to stop them though.

So, I’m sure you all know when an American movie is remade and released and, if you are like me, you ask yourself why.  I think to myself all the time, why remake that?  It was fine the way it was.  Sometimes, when a movie holds a special place in my heart, the sentiment is substantially more colorful.  Well, I know there are some movies on this list of upcoming remakes that had me screaming at the top of my lungs and making my neighbors wish that I slept at night.  You’ve been warned.

• Red Dawn
  

  Michael Ironside didn't take it well when he heard about the Scanners remake.

• The Birds
• The Big Chill
• Weird Science
• Top Gun
• Poltergeist
• Valley Girl
• Red Sonja
• Rock and Roll High School
• Highlander
• Short Circuit
• Rosemary’s Baby
• A Nightmare on Elm St.
• Footloose
• Straw Dogs
• Scanners
  

  Go ahead. Try and remake Straw Dogs. I dare you.

• Sunset Boulevard
• Clash of the Titans
• Near Dark
• The Thing
• Little Shop of Horrors
• The Neverending Story
• Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Strangers on a Train
• They Live
• Angel Heart
• Don’t Look in the Basement
• Escape From New York
• Pet Semetary
• Total Recall

The list keeps going but I just can’t take anymore.  Some of these are just ridiculous.  Sunset Boulevard?  Straw Dogs?  Who seriously thinks they improve upon the originals on those two?  I’d like to meet them…in a dark, dark alley.  And all those 80′s movies?  My heart aches.  It’s like Hollywood just punched me in the throat, slept with my girlfriend, and bitch-slapped my mom all at once.  I sure do hate those Hollywood guys.

Thanks to Joe the Destroyer for his Big, Huge, Scary List of Upcoming Sequels, Remakes and Adapted Films.

VH.